Ever since I could recall I have been scared of water…. like mortally afraid of it. I have hallucinated water, imaginarily drowned myself in it, created tsunamis and devil knows what else….but all destructive 😉 . Now life has twisted and turned so many times that my one time mortal fear factor now soothes me. My friends are amazed but they understand this transition. But the guy who taught me not to be afraid was my dad and this is about him and all those fathers who are super fathers.
Last week was busy and bad. I got a call from my friend that her father is in hospital. She was scared which is obvious and normal. So I visited her in hospital and there I saw her crying and babbling. She was feeling guilty not because she couldn’t do anything, as a matter of fact she has contained the situation (financially) nicely. She was feeling guilty because of the last conversation she had with her dad. The guilt was there not because of improper last conversation but because of the feeling “what if thats the last conversation”. She would never get the chance to make things right, ever again. She was crying so hard that I was worried may be she would faint or something. I told her she needs a break and drived her home. I bunked at her place that night, to keep her company. I was concerned the she might break down again but no such thing happened.
Next morning I left and while driving away I was thinking about the night when I came to know that my dad was not feeling good. The first thought that came in my mind was “not again” and trust me this “not again” thought was not for his health or because I was concerned ( I was concerned but that concern was not driving this thought). The thought was one of those exasperated ones where I was simply irritated that once again I have to get out of my bed at the middle of the night. Although I was a teenager at that time and can easily give an excuse for my behavior than but certain memories are brutal irrespective of age.
I called up my friend later and she said that now she is grateful that she would get another chance to make things better. After talking to her realized that how only love and concern is not enough on a relationship. Patience to practice the “love and concern” is very important.
I loved my dad and my concern for him was genuine too. But repeated calls at night saying that he has rushed to hospital or the news that this new complication has been added to his medical records file never helped. If anything those calls irritated me. I agree, it’s was not a trait of good daughter or good human being either. I do not have any explanation or excuse for my behavior neither I want to justify it by saying anything at all. I completely am owning up to my deeds.
All I am saying is I was there once, where people think ”was it the last chance, have I screwed up” or “if only I could get one more chance”. As a matter of fact I think I never left that place, my emotions are alive there. I might have lived that moment very badly in reality but the person who is there now, is a better person and knows better than to regret and wish.